Author Archives: geisha64

Sept. 27th,2021.

I’ve been feeling kinda out of sorts. I think I’ve been depressed. My depression is different than it use to be. I use to get so down that I would go to bed and stay there. Now I just feel lazy and no account.

I catch myself not wanting to do anything. I just want to sit and not be bothered . I have no gumption to do anything. Usually in the fall I get down. But it usually hits me pretty hard. This time is just there enough to be irritating.

I go through a lot of nights where I can’t sleep. It’s 2:13 am in the morning as it is. I just can’t sleep. I start out by going to sleep, but then I wake up and can’t go back to sleep. So I get up. I turn the T.V. on and watch whatever is on. Trust me it gets boring.

I get tired of feeling useless. When I’m like this I feel like I’m walking around in a fog. Nothing seems real. I can talk to some one, and it’s like I was dreaming. I don’t always remember everything that gets said. I try to remember things so that I can tell my husband or my kids. I forget so much stuff.

I forget even when my kids were young. They will tell me a story, and I have no idea what they are talking about. I’ve had a breakdown before. So now it’s hard to remember things. I can remember when I was a kid, but it’s hard to remember my own kids child hood. That is sad. Those memories mean something to me. I want to remember.

Things I say and do are in slow motion. I know that sounds silly. But it’s true. Getting up going across the room is hard. Just moving is hard. I just want to sit there and not be bothered. How’s that for living? I can tell you how it is ,, it sucks big time to be like that. I want to feel normal like other people, but there is no hope of that. So I just have to suffer until it goes away. That could last a few days or weeks. Trust me , I’ve been depressed my whole life so I would know.

I look forward to the day it goes away. To get back to what I think is normal for me. That’s all I have to look forward to until is all said and done.

I will write later !!!

Who suffers depression like I do . Let me know. Maybe we could talk.

Sept. 22, 2021

Since my daughter has moved out , I’ve done a lot of thinking. She told me one day that I wasn’t a very good mother. Well that kinda hurt my feelings. I couldn’t figure out what she was talking about. I had done everything I could think to do as a mom.

She and her daughter lived with us for years. We took care of her daughter a lot. We took care of her. When she was little I did the best I could to take care of her. I did all the motherly things that mother’s do. I would get in between her step father and her when he would go off on her as a little girl. I would take a beating for her, so she didn’t have to.

There were so many things that I did for my daughter to prove I was a good mom. But there’s one thing I didn’t do. Unfortunately I suffered depression all my life. So in between fighting with husband’s and working, I would go to bed with depression. If something happened that I couldn’t handle, I would go to bed so I could sleep , so that I didn’t have to think. That is how I handled my depression. I was always so tired that I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other.

Due to that reason I didn’t know the feelings my kids were having inside themselves. My daughter had as many emotional problems as me, but I didn’t pay that much attention because I was always messed up. I could not give her the real attention she needed from a mom. The kind that knew when she was feeling sad or anxious. The kind that would know when she needed help with her own thoughts.

Depressed people are very selfish. They don’t mean to be. But they are. All you think about when your depressed is yourself and why you feel that way. You don’t worry about others. Depression keeps you hostage in a world of your own. It robs you of a life thats real. It makes you feel worthless, weak, unloved, lonely, and hopeless.

So when my daughter was hurting I couldn’t be there for her. I thought I was. But it wasn’t good enough. She needed me to understand her feelings. She needed me to worry about how she was feeling instead of my own feelings. I needed to listen to her more , try to understand more. Her feelings counted. But I was too busy crying for me. I hate depression. It’s a night mare. I love my kids beyond words. So I told her how sorry I was for not being there for her when she needed me. I told her she was right about me being a bad mom. I told her it was ok not to like me, as long as she loved me. She said to me, ” I appreciate that mom!”

That made me feel good to get the truth out . It’s important to tell your kids when you’re wrong. Let them know you’re not perfect. After all, you’re just human. No one is perfect. Love your kids enough to be honest. Love yourself enough.

My kids and granddaughter and husband are the most important thing to me. I love you guys !

I will write later !

Sept. 14th, 2021.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand , it’s rude people. You go into Walmart and people stand in the middle of the isle just so they can talk to there friends. They don’t care if you’re trying to get by. To me that is rude.

Then people don’t excuse themselves when they cut in front of you. That is rude. People just don’t care anymore about being rude to others.

When we were at Cliffy Falls the other day we passed these young people , this boy was out in front. He was probably around 18 or 19 years old. Three others were a little bit behind him. I got a little ahead of my sister so I stopped and turned around to wait on her. When I turned around , I caught him making fun of the way me and my sister were walking.

My sister walks with a limp , because she has a bad leg. And I don’t know how I look when I walk. But this boy was trying to act out how we were walking. He did not know I was going to turn around, but when I did he also turned around and saw me looking at him, he quickly turned around as to not see me anymore. That made me so mad I wanted to go back to him and tell off. That boy was really lucky that I didn’t tell him off. When you make me mad , you have hell to pay. But I was angry the rest of the day.

For one thing he was old enough to know better. People should not make fun of others. For one thing me and my sister are not real young anymore and that punk doesn’t know what all we’ve been through in our life that makes us walk funny. I’ve got a bad back. My sister has a bad leg. There are so many things that’s happened in our lives that makes us walk different than other people. I was paralyzed as a child, they say it was a spinal infection. My sister was in a wheel chair for a while, and there’s been plenty of other things happen to us. I would have loved to have filled that punk in on all that stuff .

Before you make fun of people , think ! One of these days it could be you. How would you like it if someone made fun of you for something you couldn’t help ? Never make fun of people , be nice and considerate of others. Just like you want them to be to you . Life is too short to be mean to people. Be kind !

I will write later !!!

Sept. 14th,2021.

We had a really good vacation. We spent every day together. I love spending time with my husband. I wish he could retire. But if he did, that would mean we would be old. I don’t want to be old. So I’ll just take vacations.

We did a lot of running around, and shopping. We went fishing. As usual I always caught more fish than Troy. It was fun.

We went to Cliffy Falls on Saturday . That was rough. That place is nothing but hills. There were steps everywhere we went. We climbed so many steps that day, the next day I was sore. We went through a tunnel. That was fun. We got to see all the water falls there were. They were so pretty . It’s just ashame they weren’t running heavy that day. There was only a little water coming off of them. But they were still nice to look at.

I’d like to go back there when the leaves are changing colors . I bet that would be beautiful. It was such a nice day. It wasn’t too hot, it was just right for walking through the forest.

Then Sunday we went to Tiemeyers. That’s a place you can go to and get watermelons and pumpkins and other things. They have birds there you can look at. They have a mini golf course to play on. They have hay rides. They have goats you can pet. It’s a nice place. They a store to shop in. Troy’s cousin owns the place. Anyway , it’s nice.

So Troy went back to work yesterday. Now it’s the same old same old. But we had a good time together. I always have a good time with Troy. I love him so much. Until next vacation.

I will write later!!!

Sept. 10th,2021.

Troy’s been on vacation this week. We haven’t done a whole lot , but that’s ok, I just like being with him.

We have went shopping a few times , and we’ve set up late and watch T.V. .

We went fishing at the Clark County State Park Wednesday. We caught 18 fish. 15 of them were mine. I always out fish Troy. I wasn’t getting anywhere with my bobber on, so I took it off and fished on the bottom. Then I started catching them left and right. I loved it. I don’t like fishing and not catching anything.

Thursday we went to visit and old friend, and she has a pond on her property, so she let us fish there. We caught 15 fish. I caught 10 and Troy caught 5. Once again I out fished him. I just love it when a plan comes together. LoL!!!

Then we went to North Vernon to get Troy some shirts for work. Then we stopped at Burger King. Then we came home. We really haven’t done much, but I just like being with Troy.

I really enjoy my husband and his company. We get along great and we have fun together. I will dread him going back to work. I will probably get depressed. Once he goes back to work, I’ll be alone again during the day. Except for my animals. But I will survive. I’ll just do like I always do when he’s at work. Paint or draw , or take a nap.

I will write later !!!

Sept. 8th,2021.

You’ve been gone over 4 years now. I really miss you. I still love you like you were here.

I wish you had never been with that woman. She was bad news from the start. You thought the world rose and set in her. She turned out to be what we thought she was , a gold digger. She used all your money and used you up , then when she was tired of you she got rid of you. When she didn’t want to take care of you anymore she killed you.

I know she smothered you with a pillow, after keeping you drugged up with morphine. All she could do was dance around waiting for you to die. I watched her. I never seen someone in such a good mood the way she was when she thought you were dying.

She said you were supposed to die that weekend. She was so surprised when you didn’t. I remember she kept saying ,that she couldn’t believe you were still alive. I looked at her so strangely. I thought , you’re suppose to love my dad, why are in hurry for him to die. I asked her if she would miss you , she said she would , but that she knew you needed to go.

I never could understand someone that would dance around the house and sing , like she could hardly wait for you to die. She never seemed sad , the way a person would if they were losing someone they loved. I saw right through her. She thought I was stupid. She thought because I had problems with depression ,that I couldn’t see how she really was. But I saw it. I didn’t let her know it, but I saw how she was acting. Like a woman that could hardly wait till you were gone.

When you didn’t die when she thought you should ,she got angry. She said she would tell us kids when it was getting close for you to die. She didn’t call us until after you were gone. When I got to her house and I saw you, I knew she had done something to you. You looked like you had been smothered with a pillow. The look on your face was that of surprise. You were looking straight up at the ceiling and you looked like you just couldn’t believe what she had done. I will never forget that look on your face. I had to close your eyes because she didn’t. Shes been with enough people that’s died , that I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t close your eyes. When I asked her about it she said that she just flew out of the room when you died. You left the room real quick, because you knew you had just killed him. With all the people you had been with that died , I don’t believe that you were that disturbed to see my dad die. After all, that’s what you did , was take care of sick people. So why should it shock you to see him go. It shocked you, because you killed him. We all know that you killed our dad. We just couldn’t prove it. You had him imbalmed as soon as he got to the funeral home. We couldn’t do anything , because dad made you powered of attorney. But we know what you did.

Then you wouldn’t help pay for his funeral, knowing that we were having a hard time with it. What kind of a person that loves someone won’t help bury her beloved ? You didn’t, because your a no account woman.

I watched you with my dad. You didn’t care about him , just his money and what you could get from him. You acted sick the whole time you were with him. You were on oxygen. You walked with a cane. But the sicker my dad got , the better you got. No more oxygen, no more cane. What was up with that? It was all an act so you could take everything from my dad. I’m just sorry he couldn’t see it.

You kept us kids away from him the best you could. We weren’t even allowed at the hospital while he was in there. You didn’t want us there, because you knew we would ask questions. I never got to see dad when you said he was so sick, because you wouldn’t allow us there. Why was that? I know why, because you didn’t want us knowing anything about our dad. What a vicious woman you were. You would never let dad come visit us, you always kept him to yourself, so you could control him. I wish dad would have believed us when we were trying to tell him that. But you kept him so messed up , he didn’t know what was going on. You wouldn’t give him his medicines right. I believe half the time you never gave them to him at all , and when you did it was the wrong dosage. You kept him right were you wanted him, not right in the head.

I remember being at your house and dad never seemed himself. But when he had to spend time in the nursing home, you weren’t there very much. That was the best dad had ever been. He was getting his medicine on time and in the right dosage , and he was the dad I remember. He gets back to you and it starts all over again. We weren’t stupid , we knew you were messing with him and his drugs, but we couldn’t prove anything.

But you will pay for what you’ve done. God will take care of you , and I will be so glad when he does. You are a worthless woman that only deserves payback. I will be glad when you get it. I can’t stand you Doris. I’m waiting for the day you die , so you can’t hurt anyone else.

I will write later!!!

Sept. 6th,2021.

It is hard for two families to live together. My daughter lived with me and we argued a lot. Her boyfriend was here, and her daughter. No matter what we did , it was hard on all of us. No matter how much I loved them ,it wasn’t enough.

I know some people going through the very same things as I did. But it is much worse than my situation. The kids practically run the house of these people. The grand kids are there too. The problem is that they love those grand kids so much ,that it makes it hard for them to think of their kids moving out. Even though that’s what they need to do.

These kids don’t want to pay rent or anything. His wife just sits there all day doing nothing. Not even helping in the house. The son wants to watch what ever he wants no matter what anyone else says. He complains If the lady of the house has a show on she likes . He always smarts off about it. All they want to do is yell at the kids all the time. They wouldn’t even pay attention to their first boy, now all they have to say is how grandma and grandpa has spoiled him. Well you can’t spoil a child if you’re involved in their life. So if he is spoiled it’s your fault for not taking interest in him.

Grow up and get a life of your own, and leave mom and dad alone. Find a place to move and go. Your family needs to be on it’s own. Don’t blame mom and dad for your mistakes of staying with them for a long time. Get out a make a home for yourself. Stop relying on mom and dad.

Don’t use the kids to threaten your parents with either. That is immature , and it’s not fair to the kids or your parents. Move out with dignity and love. Let your parents see the kids , be grown ups , not people younger than your kids.

If two families could get along that would be great. But they can’t. Everyone should have their own life to live and live it in your house.

I will write later!!!

Sept. 5 the, 2021.

We’ve been together for awhile now. We’ve had fun, we do a lot of things together , like shopping, going and getting food for our pets. We go hiking and we go out to eat. We have fun in bed then we go to sleep.

We have our bad times too. I don’t like it when we argue. Your afraid I’m going to cheat on you with someone else. I just want to be myself.

Why don’t you want me to have friends to talk to? Why do you get jealous of me having other people in my life. Right now , I’m not even your wife.

I know you talk to other girls. Especially at work. I pull up at your work and your sitting with a girl outside. When you pulled up at my work and seen me talking to two people , you got mad. One of them was married and a dad.

Because one was a guy you didn’t like it. But I was also talking to a girl. But that didn’t matter , because you still got angry. Why get upset over me talking to my coworkers? You talk to your coworkers.

These things are not good for us. All they do is make us distrust. I don’t know about you , but I’m sad a lot of the time, and mad.

We have to find a way to get past this or we may not make it. Is that what you want, to be alone with no home?

A person can only take so much. Telling the truth is a must. Lying is something that I don’t like . So stop doing it , or I will tell you to take a hike.

Trust is important and so is truth. Stop lying to me or I’ll give you the boot. I have to have friends and so do you. Or do want me going around feeling blue?

Love is a good thing , but not if you don’t trust me. So stop being so suspicious and just love me. Just let us be , we.

I will write later !!!

Sept. 4th,2021

Right outside the window is the night. It’s awesome and a beautiful sight. I love the dark, and it loves me. I love it when it’s dark enough to be purple. The shadows are playing on the grass, my imagination is glowing like glass.

I am flying high in the sky, I swoop down and take a bite of you. There’s nothing you can do. You hold your neck and see blood. You’ve fallen down in the mud.

You lift yourself up to see wings. But you can’t make out a thing. I haunt the dark like a bat. I jump rope with the rats.

When you see me you scream in terror. When I smile at you , you run in fear. I say wait my little dear. I’m not going to hurt you if you stop. I just want to suck a little drop.

Waiting in the dark is what I do. Don’t run so fast to lose a shoe. Come back to me and let me hold you .

Let me love you my way. Let me want to make you stay. Biting necks is a good pass time, sucking blood is my life’s blood line.

I wait in the dark for someone like you. I wait in the dark for something to do. I love to fly and play with shadows. I love it when we go to the gallows. I love my nights so full of fun , I really hate to see the sun. Remember I will be waiting in the dark. Stay in your house and don’t go in the park.

I will write later !!!

Sept.4th,2021.

I didn’t sleep very well last night , so I slept in some. When I got up I sat and had some coffee. Troy was cleaning out the car. God knows it needed it.

Later we went to get a hamster for Desiree. We went to Petco in Columbus. Those little animals are $20.00 there. I can remember when you could get them cheaper than that. I spent $50.00 on the animal and the stuff that goes with it. Personally , I think that’s a lot of money on a little animal.

But Desiree wanted one, and her birthday is coming up so we got her one. She is so hard to buy for. We can never think of anything to get her. So maybe she will like the hamster.

It’s a cute little thing, Desiree named it Twix. It’s a girl so I guess that’s ok. The last One we had was named Chewy. We had him a long time. He was so tame he was like a dog. I loved that hamster. I hope this one gets to be like that. I cried when he died. That’s why I hate getting things like that. Anything you can love, it will hurt when it dies. But you’ve got to love them while they are here.

I will write later !!!