Grief !!!

Oct. 3rd, 2021

Grief is a personal issue we all have to bare one time or other. Whether it’s aunt’s or uncles , or a friend or neighbor. We will all go through it.

But when it’s someone close to you like a child or parent , it hurts like hell. I lost my mother 21 years ago. It still seems like yesterday. I think of her a lot. I still miss her. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long since I’ve talked to her or seen her. It hurts like crazy that she is gone. But most of the time I go on with life like everyone else.

Something happened to me the other day. I was reading a post on Facebook, it said to always treat your mother right and love her , because you never know when the light will go out. Well as soon as I read that , I started bawling like a baby.

It dawned on me that I’ve been grieving for years over my mom, but I never grieved the day she died. That day was all a blur. My son and nephew were in the room with her when she took her last breaths. My son came down stairs to tell me. I had been trying to rest in the back of my truck, because I had been up with her for so long. I remember he was crying, and he said , ” grandma is gone”. I remember getting up and running back to the hospital, but I can’t tell you how I got upstairs.

I remember getting to the visiting room door and seeing my brother crying. Then I was in her room. I don’t remember how I got there. She was lying still, no movement. I went over to her and said , ” oh mom”. So many things went through my brain. None of us knew what to think or do. She had a little blood coming from her mouth. Me and my sister stood in front of her so dad couldn’t see. I don’t remember crying.

We all left and went home. I remember saying when we pulled in the drive, ” I can’t believe she did that”. My husband asked me , ” did what”. I said “I can’t believe she just died like that”.

We were all so busy trying to get use to the idea she was gone , that I didn’t even grieve that day. When I read that post about the light going out, I just started bawling because , it just hit me , that I hadn’t grieved for my mother on that paticular day.

I was telling my husband about it, and I told him that I didn’t realize that I wanted to scream ” please don’t go, come back mom ” . We were so busy with just the being gone, that I didn’t think about anything else.

I needed her to be here. I needed her to be ok. I’ve been needing her all along. But she is gone. I told my husband, that If I had been clear headed , I would have thrown myself on my mom and begged her to stay. But I couldn’t think straight. So the other day I grieved for the loss of my mom on the day she died. I cried a long time . I didn’t think I was going to stop. I wanted to run into the middle of the yard yelling ” please come back, please don’t go”. But I kept a hold of myself and I didn’t so that.

But that is what grief is all about , never knowing when something is going to hit you and you will start crying. I felt kinda stupid,. But I felt better too. So call me crazy , I don’t care. I love my mom and I always will. I will always miss her. But she is with me in my heart , always.

I will write later !!!