Sept. 22, 2021
Since my daughter has moved out , I’ve done a lot of thinking. She told me one day that I wasn’t a very good mother. Well that kinda hurt my feelings. I couldn’t figure out what she was talking about. I had done everything I could think to do as a mom.
She and her daughter lived with us for years. We took care of her daughter a lot. We took care of her. When she was little I did the best I could to take care of her. I did all the motherly things that mother’s do. I would get in between her step father and her when he would go off on her as a little girl. I would take a beating for her, so she didn’t have to.
There were so many things that I did for my daughter to prove I was a good mom. But there’s one thing I didn’t do. Unfortunately I suffered depression all my life. So in between fighting with husband’s and working, I would go to bed with depression. If something happened that I couldn’t handle, I would go to bed so I could sleep , so that I didn’t have to think. That is how I handled my depression. I was always so tired that I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other.
Due to that reason I didn’t know the feelings my kids were having inside themselves. My daughter had as many emotional problems as me, but I didn’t pay that much attention because I was always messed up. I could not give her the real attention she needed from a mom. The kind that knew when she was feeling sad or anxious. The kind that would know when she needed help with her own thoughts.
Depressed people are very selfish. They don’t mean to be. But they are. All you think about when your depressed is yourself and why you feel that way. You don’t worry about others. Depression keeps you hostage in a world of your own. It robs you of a life thats real. It makes you feel worthless, weak, unloved, lonely, and hopeless.
So when my daughter was hurting I couldn’t be there for her. I thought I was. But it wasn’t good enough. She needed me to understand her feelings. She needed me to worry about how she was feeling instead of my own feelings. I needed to listen to her more , try to understand more. Her feelings counted. But I was too busy crying for me. I hate depression. It’s a night mare. I love my kids beyond words. So I told her how sorry I was for not being there for her when she needed me. I told her she was right about me being a bad mom. I told her it was ok not to like me, as long as she loved me. She said to me, ” I appreciate that mom!”
That made me feel good to get the truth out . It’s important to tell your kids when you’re wrong. Let them know you’re not perfect. After all, you’re just human. No one is perfect. Love your kids enough to be honest. Love yourself enough.
My kids and granddaughter and husband are the most important thing to me. I love you guys !
I will write later !
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